Universe: Movie-verse
Author amuly
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: None
Beta: analia_the_1st
Title: America's Golden Boy Retriever
Summary: The Avengers wake up one morning to find they all have ears and tails. Some of the animals that are a part of them are obvious, but some of them are more... odd. Much to Tony's infinite amusement, of course.
Pairings/Characters: Tony/Steve, mentions of Thor/Jane

A/N: So much thanks to my beta doing this on such short notice for me. You're the best!! Any remaining mistakes are all mine. XD For made_of_tin. I spent a while – and surveyed my friends and comic-book geek roommate – trying to assign everyone a good animal. Definitely not my typical thing, but I worked hard on it. Hope you enjoy it!



"I hate you."

Steve just laughed and proceeded to roll over on top of Tony, pinning him to the bed with thighs and chest. That situation, no, was definitely not a reason to hate Steve. That position was actually one of the many, many reasons Tony had to like Steve a lot. In that special, you're-the-only-one-I-currently-am-sleeping-with and yeah-I-actually-sometimes-enjoy-just-sleeping-with-you way.

The other situation, however, was definitely a reason for hate. The situation on top of Tony's head, and jutting out from his tailbone. The situation that Steve was currently petting and grinning mindlessly at.

"I hate you."

Steve laughed again and reached a hand up to his own head, petting his somewhat-matching new appendages curiously. On top of Steve's head was a pair of great, fluffy, floppy, Golden Retriever ears. Behind him, but clearly visible because it was waggling rapidly, was a tail to match.

Pouting, Tony reached up and flicked at the ears petulantly. They twitched backwards, causing Steve to jerk in surprise and glance up, as though trying to see them.

"Huh." Steve rubbed at his ears curiously. "That was weird."

An idea formed in Tony's mind. Leaning up, he blew gently on Steve's ear. The blonde ear flickered and twitched, Steve's face scrunching up in discomfort. "Oh, don't do that. I don't like that."

Tony frowned. "Oh. Sorry. I thought it'd be a turn-on."

Steve rubbed his ear, frowning. "No. Though..." he glanced down at Tony, grin slowly spreading across his face. "You could try scratching it."

For the next hour Tony decided he could forget the stupid little cat ears poking up out of his hair and silky black tail poking out of his lower back, and set about discovering just how much Steve enjoyed having his new appendages scratched.
**
When the two men finally made it out of their room two hours later, Tony had carefully styled his hair in such a way to mostly hide his ears. He could have fully hidden them if he could have just gotten the ears to lie flat for more than a few minutes, but it was like trying to flex for an extended period of time: uncomfortable, and likely to end in cramps. So he gave up on it and just spiked his hair higher than usual, and hoped no one would notice. The tail he taped to his back and threw a baggy hoody on top of it. Easy.

Steve, meanwhile, didn't have the ability to hide his ears, and so had opted to shove a Brooklyn Dodger's baseball hat on top of his head and hope for the best. The tail he had allowed Tony to similarly tie down, except with bands of rope around his torso instead of tape. Steve had whimpered and his ears flattened to such an adorable, droopy extent when Tony had suggested tape that he found himself powerless to resist. So, rope around the torso and a loose t-shirt to hide the tail. Poor Steve was already visibly uncomfortable, scratching and adjusting at the cap, but until the two of them had talked to the other Avengers and figured out a course of action for correcting... whatever it was... that had happened, he'd just have to make do.

When they stepped into the Avenger's meeting room, Tony burst out laughing. And didn't stop. He couldn't. Not even a Skrull invasion would have been able to snap Tony out of his hysterics, because... Thor. And Bruce. Both sporting ears and tails of their own. It was such a hysterical relief to know it wasn't just him and Steve.

A big, burly hand slapped onto his back, interrupting his hysterics. The force of the blow meant it could only be Thor, and sure enough, this was confirmed a moment later when Thor's voice boomed out just behind Tony: "My shield-brother! I understand your mirth, but this is obviously my under-handed brother's work, and we must immediately sort out the terrible machinations behind his most recent act!"

Tony turned around and looked up to get a better look at Thor's ears. Tony cocked his head and rubbed his chin as he squinted at the soft, round ears, almost the same color as Thor's hair. "What do you suppose..."

"Lion ears," Bruce explained. Tony turned and saw the scientist holding a Stark-issued tablet in his hand. "Most likely, especially when taken in conjunction with the tail." Tony looked around Thor and saw what looked definitely like a lion's tail dragging behind him. "And it makes sense," Bruce continued, "all the rest of our ears seem to... correspond. In some way."

Ignoring the personal implications of that – because seriously, a house cat? Fuck Loki – Tony raised his eyebrows as he looked at Bruce's ears. They weren't ringing any zoological bells. "And, that would make yours..."

Bruce flushed. "Panda."

"Panda."

Thor cut in before Tony could make any jokes about panda's and their lack of reproductive proclivity (of which he already had six... no, seven!... on the tip of his tongue). "It is a fearsome creature in Migard! Slow to anger, but quick to dole out the most brutal of destruction!" he proclaimed, wrapping an arm around Bruce, who appeared to be trying to make himself as small as possible. "A fitting animal spirit for my fearsome shield-brother!"

"Uh-huh." Tony didn't like the way Bruce was subtly trying to peer up at his head, as if to figure out exactly what animal was apparently his "spirit". So he did what he did best: talked. "So we've got a big old lion-spirit here," he clasped Thor on one meaty arm, who beamed. "A... panda, okay, sure, in Bruce." Tony tossed a thumb over his shoulder a Steve. "America's golden boy is apparently America's Golden Retriever, which sure, makes sense I guess. So that leaves..." He looked around.

Natasha was sitting at her chair, arms crossed and looking thoroughly put out. Her ears, almost hidden underneath her hair (looks like she and Tony had the same idea) were white and round. Tony snapped his fingers and pointed. "Snow leopard?"

"We presume," Natasha replied dryly. Her ears and tail twitched minutely in what appeared to be irritation. Huh. Interesting. If they were stuck with these... "enhancements" much longer, Tony would have to read up on their respective animals. It could prove to be a useful tool.

Next to her was Clint with... a hat. Uh-huh. Tony grinned. Whatever was bulging beneath that hat was obviously the best blackmail material Tony had got on Clint since the New Year's party. In other words: amazing blackmail material. "Oh, come on." Tony grinned not-so-sweetly at Clint. "What you hiding?" Then something occurred to him. "Oh, gross. You're a hawk, aren't you? You got two big holes in your head?"

As he walked around the table, Tony started to extend his hand and wriggle his fingers at the hat. Abruptly Clint jumped up from his seat and grabbed his bow. And an arrow. And notched it. Tony blinked. That was a bit much, wasn't it? "Oh, come on. It can't be that bad. Let's see, come on, get it off."

With Clint's focus entirely on Tony, he didn't see Natasha reach up at snatch the beanie off his head. Kind of like a snow leopard. Nice. Tony might have commented on that, but then all of his focus shifted to the giant, floppy, brown things falling down off the top of Clint's head.

"A... a hare?" Tony blinked.

Steve stepped up behind Tony – he could feel Steve's heat against his back. "But... you're Hawkeye." Steve pointed out, rather unhelpfully if Tony was being honest. "That doesn't-"

Tony cut him off. "Oh, yes. You've got a bunny tail, don't you? A fluffy little..." Tony lunged forward, shrugging off Steve even as he tried to hold him back. Clint was looking more and more murderous, drawing his bowstring further and further back. Tony ignored it.

"Come on! Let me see. I promise I won't even touch it, I just-"

A new, sharp voice cut in. "That's enough!" Fury stormed into the room, folder in hand. "To answer your question, Captain Rogers: We're putting Barton's form down to his quick reflexes and tendency to hole himself up in small areas as he waits for his prey. Now, if you're done fucking around, Stark."

Tony turned to Nick Fury, who was slapping a file down at the head of the table. Then he burst out laughing.

"Bruce, Bruce, buddy, what..."

Fury cut in, one eye glaring dangerously at Tony. "They're possum ears. Apparently because I'm vicious as hell and have all you fuck-ups clinging to my underbelly like a bunch of scared baby possums twenty-four seven. And yeah, I've got the ugly-ass tail. And yeah, it's pink: because apparently possums don't come in black. Satisfied?"

Tony grinned. Oh, oh he was very satisfied. He was so satisfied he was going to be sure to hack into SHIELD's feeds tonight and get pictures of everyone with their furry – and in some cases, not-so-furry – new additions.

Then Fury said something that sobered Tony up pretty fast. "Now hold still and calm that hair of yours down for two seconds so Bruce can get a reading."

Tony tried to spin around, but apparently Thor and Bruce had both managed to sneak up on him as he was busy laughing at Fury. Tony struggled, but Thor's grip was too strong. In a second Bruce had flattened down his hair, scanned him, and backed away. "Domesticated house cat," Bruce said after a moment's pause.

When Clint started laughing Tony flicked him off. "You sure that's not 'panther'? Pretty sure it should say panther. Or something else. Are jaguars black? Some of them? That must be it. Jaguar."

But Bruce had already moved on to Steve, who had bent his head and taken off his Dodger's hat compliantly. "And Steve's a Golden Retriever."

Steve grinned, half-sheepish and half proud, and Tony wanted to throw himself out of a window right then and there. This was getting ridiculous. But instead, he just slouched into his chair next to Steve's and countered every mocking look from Clint with a well-aimed middle finger.

Fury, apparently opting to ignore Tony and Clint's antics, turned his one-eyed attention to Thor. "So: Loki? What's that little weasel up to?"

Thor looked puzzled for a moment, then shook his head. "No, no. My brother would be a horse: he is oddly fond of those majestic creatures."

Fury's ears flattened against his head in obvious irritation. Tony watched for a second, then grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and snapped a picture. Fury's ears flattened even further. "Bruce," he snapped.

Tony yelped as Bruce snatched his phone away and summarily deleted the photo. "Hey, hey!" Tony protested. "Don't delete them all! There's some ones of Steve I..."

Bruce's face turned an interesting shade of puce before he practically threw the phone at Tony and hurried out of the room. He shouted something about yoga and meditation and calling him when they had this figured out over his shoulder before he was gone. Fury blinked his one eye slowly at Tony. He could only shrug nonchalantly. "I warned him. Guess panda's aren't as immune to sex as everyone seems to think."

Next to him, Steve was tugging on Tony's sleeve insistently. Not unlike a puppy begging for a treat, Tony thought to himself with a grin. "Tony. Tony, which-"

Steve abruptly cut himself off when Tony passed him the phone. Steve went silent for a good fifteen seconds as his face went redder and redder. The rest of the Avengers were silent, too, as they waited for him to react. Steve's ears drooped again, falling back in embarrassment. "Oh," he finally said. "Those."

Tony grinned and winked as he took the phone gingerly from Steve's shell-shocked grip. "Yeah." In an attempt at reassurance, Tony patted Steve's arm. "Those. Those ones that'll never see the light of day: remember?"

"Right." Steve turned to Tony, all big puppy dog eyes, and wow: Steve was always a big canine, but the ears really helped to complete the image. "But Bruce just saw them."

Tony felt his ears twitch in... what was that? Jealousy? Absently, Tony reached a hand up to still his new appendages. That was just too weird. "Sorry, big guy. If it helps, I think he only saw the first one. Which wasn't so bad."

Steve's ears picked up from their droop just a bit, Tony was pleased to see.

"If you two love birds are done pounding out your maritals?" Fury growled.

Tony turned to him, about to say something smart – he wasn't sure what, but it was definitely going to be smart – he noticed Fury's ears weren't flattened against his head. "Hey." Tony pointed a lazy finger at Fury's head. "You're not mad."

"What do you mean-" Fury's ears flattened.

Tony jumped, pounding the table. "Ah-ah-ah! Now you are! But you weren't!" Tony slapped the table again, grinning. This was perfect. Now he could know Fury's every mood: when he was mad, pretending to be mad, or ready-to-kill. Which, oh, yeah: he was getting closer to the latter option, right now. But Tony couldn't help but press him just a little bit more. "Steve and I. We were talking. And your ears weren't flat. Appreciating my attempt at 'team building' or whatever it is you're always bothering me about?"

Fury's ears, surprisingly, started to straighten out of their angry flattened state. "I'd rather you not call what you and Captain Rogers do behind closed doors 'team building'," he growled. But he wasn't really mad. Tony could see that he wasn't really bad, with his own eyes.

This was the greatest prank Loki had ever pulled on them.

"Thor!" Fury shouted, turning to the god. Thor perked up, lion-ears twitching in interest. His tail – which Tony hadn't noticed before, but apparently he didn't bother to tuck it away like the rest of them had – was lazily drifting from side to side behind him, out the back of his seat. "What do you think your brother is up to this time? It's only us affected by his... magic, hocus-pocus, whatever you call it."

Thor pondered this for a second, rubbing at his beard, then his ears, thoughtfully. His ears twitched as he let them go. "I can't imagine what sort of nefariousness could have been behind this scheme..." he mused. "Unless!" Thor's eyes lit up, and he pounded the table before pointing at Tony. "Tony! Can you tell me what day it is on the Asgardian calendar?"

Tony blinked, but was already pulling out his phone. "Yeah, sure, it'll just take..." he trailed off as he started to work. It was just a few minor calculations at this point: he had already worked with Thor's girl, that Jane woman, on all the astronomical calculations between planets and dimensions and what not. It had been long, tedious work, but they had managed it in the end. Now it was just a matter of plugging the current date into their program and-

Abruptly, Tony stopped. There was a hand stroking his ears. His ears flicked back in irritation before he even looked up to see Steve staring wondrously at the top of his head. "They were perked up," he explained without Tony even asking. "And twitching. Like... like you were playing with a ball of yarn."

Clint howled with laughter, pointing at Tony from across the table. "Math is a fucking ball of yarn for you, Stark!"

Tony flicked him off. Again. "Oh, go eat yourself you grass-nibbling-"

"Children!" Fury slapped his hands down on the table, voice swelling to fill the whole room. His ears were flat, Tony noted. Actually irritated, then. "Stark, if you could stop holding a pissing contest with Barton every thirty seconds and do the calculations Thor asked you to, we might actually get some shit done around here."

Waving a dismissive hand, Tony turned back to his phone. "Yeah, yeah," he grumbled. "Don't need you to start hissing at me, Christ." After a few more seconds, Tony grinned. There.

Then Steve petted his ears again and Tony shot him a glare. Steve smiled sheepishly, ears all perked up and curious. "They were doing it. Again."

Choosing to ignore this – he wasn't a fucking house cat to be petted – Tony turned his attention to Thor. "Says it's the festival of... Jul?" Tony blinked. "Okay, wait, is that supposed to be July, because that doesn't make sense, it's the middle of December..."

"Jul!" Thor sprang up from his seat, tail swishing back and forth with increased vigor. Tony eyed it, wondering if he should place bets on when it would cause some serious damage. Then again, the only guy that ever was up for betting was Clint, and Mr. Cottontail over there still didn't seem in the mood to be chummy with Tony again just yet.

"It is the winter festival!" Thor continued. Then he did that thing, that thing that Tony always wondered if it actually worked or if Thor just did it. He titled his head back and roared (and yeah, lion was definitely making a lot of sense, here) to the heavens: "Brother! Your gift is most amusing! You and I will meet and be merry at the establishment of Hooters, with the buxom wenches and fine mead! Join me!"

And then Thor was raising his hammer to the sky and flying through the retractable roof (which Tony had slapped the button for just in time. They had enough construction bills with Bruce, they didn't need any more thanks to Thor's enthusiasm for his villainous baby brother).

Tony turned to Fury, one hand with fingertips splayed lightly on the table. "So I assume this means it's temporary and we're free to go?"

Fury's ears weren't flattened to his bald skull when he replied, and damn, Tony was going to miss that helpful little mood-ring. "Stay in headquarters, and don't let anyone else see you. The less people who know about this, the better."

Clint was gone in an instant – "Fast as a jackrabbit!" Tony called out after him, and damn, he was going to have to save that line for the next time Clint started bragging about some sexual exploit – followed quickly by Natasha, who managed to slip out of the room just as fast, but ten times more stealthily. Fury disappeared at some point in the midst of all that, leaving Tony and Steve alone in the main room.

Tony turned to Steve, feeling his own ears twitching with interest. "So..." he trailed his hand up Steve's cheek and to his ears, scratching lightly. Steve's eyes were already drifting shut in pleasure before Tony made his suggestion. "We didn't really try out the tails at all this morning. Want to give them a go?"

Steve's tail wagged so hard Tony could see it moving beneath his loose t-shirt. With one quick kiss to Steve's new ear, Tony stood up and lead the way back to Steve's room.